Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
