just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
