I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
