I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
