No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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