i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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