Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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