Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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