my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
