Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
