Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
