how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
