I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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