just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
this hospital has no fireball
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
