i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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