I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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