Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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