the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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