You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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