I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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