chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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