she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
