Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
