u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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