i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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