From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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