so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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