I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
