What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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