i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
