I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
