she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
