Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
