she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
