i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
