Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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