Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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