bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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