no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
