how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Drunk is a universal language darling
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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