Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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