Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
