I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
