Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
