Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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