I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
