some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I have so many feelings about this burrito
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
