I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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