Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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