I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
