someone threw a dead crab at me
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
